The True Meaning of Appreciation

Having worked with individuals, couples, families andget this need met. Whenever I hear someone say that
business partners for 35 years, helping them learn tothey do not feel appreciated, I know that their essence
resolve conflict, I have often been faced with the- their Inner Child - is not being seen and loved by their
difficulties that occur when people are confused aboutown inner adult.
the difference between approval with appreciation.When we are giving ourselves the attention and
Have you ever wondered about the differenceappreciation that we need and we then receive
between approval and appreciation? Most of us haveappreciation from others, it feels wonderful but it is the
never actually thought about it, yet if we do think abouticing on the cake, not the cake itself. When it becomes
it, we realize that we feel very differently when wethe cake itself, then we need to look within and
receive approval as opposed to receiving appreciation.recognize that we have handed over to others the job
There are good reasons for this.of defining and validating our own worth and lovability.
Approval is something we give from a wounded,When you share something about yourself with the
controlling part of us. Approval is conditional upon theintent of getting approval, attention or appreciation, it
other person performing in the way we want ordoesn't feel like sharing to other people. Instead they
expect. Approval is manipulative - that is, we give itfeel pulled at to validate you. When you share
with an outcome in mind. We hope that the othersomething about yourself with the intent of offering
person will continue to do what we want as a result ofsomething to others, it feels like a gift. This is clearly
the approval.illustrated in the wonderful movie, Good Will Hunting. In
Appreciation, on the other hand, is something we offerthis movie the therapist, played by Robin Williams,
from a whole loving place within - what I call the lovingshares much personal information about himself with
Adult. It comes from the heart and is offeredhis client Will, an angry and resistant young man. He
spontaneously as the heart wells up with feelings ofshared it, not because he wanted or needed anything
delight, awe, joy, or love regarding another's way ofback, but purely to help Will feel safe in opening to his
being. Appreciation has much more to do with theown pain.
essence of a person rather than with performance.We can all challenge ourselves to be aware of our
We are appreciating a person's core Self, who theyintent when we offer positive feedback to others - is it
really are and the results of who they are, rather thana true gift or does it have strings attached? And we
what they do and their performance. With appreciation,can challenge ourselves to be aware of our intent
there is no attachment to the outcome, no expectationwhen we share things about ourselves - are we giving
that the other should or will continue to perform.or trying to get? Giving to get doesn't feel good to
Appreciation is a true gift.others who are at the other end of the pull, and getting
Often, when someone says they want appreciation orwhat we want from others feels good only for the
do not feel appreciated, what they are really seeking ismoment, but is ultimately tiring for us. It is tiring to
approval. It is the wounded part of them who is notalways be trying to get from others what we need to
feeling seen and appreciated within - they are notbe giving to ourselves.
seeing and appreciating themselves so they need itGiving appreciation and sharing ourselves from a loving
from others to feel worthy. The wounded self of theheart, with no need to get anything back, will always
individual projects outward the inner need to be seen,feel wonderful and energizing to us and to others.
understood and appreciated and pulls from others to