| There comes a time in every fan's life when they | | | | (preferably from Mirage Limo) pick you and your |
| realize that their team isn't doing so well. If you're a | | | | friends up and start the trip to Dolphins Stadium. The |
| Dolphins' fan, for example, you'll find your team with the | | | | limousine, while not absolutely necessary, will only |
| worst record in football at the end of week 7 (at an | | | | enhance the trip, not only because of the natural |
| amazing 1-6). This kind of situation naturally poses a bit | | | | coolness of the limo, but also because of the irony |
| of a conundrum to any fan. How to react? Do you | | | | inherent in renting a limousine to go see a last place |
| naively keep hoping they will turn things around, | | | | team play. |
| preaching a coming of an apocalyptic return to glory? | | | | Arrival at the stadium: Get provisions. The rough road |
| Do you sourly abandon them, and sullenly predict their | | | | ahead will involve a lot of nachos, hot dogs, and, above |
| doom whenever they manage to get ahead? Both | | | | all, libations. Get your seats, and commence with one |
| reactions are common. One: far too delusional. The | | | | of the most important pre-game rituals for rooting for |
| other: far too cynical. While neither is particularly | | | | a losing team: wild prophecies about the coming game |
| reasonable, it is a sad fact that the latter is the all-too | | | | (the more outlandish the better.) Libations will help with |
| common reaction; this is a huge shame, but it's in the | | | | this. |
| troubled times that you see who the true fans really | | | | First quarter highlight: Quarterback Joey Harrington |
| are. | | | | throws two consecutive interceptions. This is met with |
| If you want to keep a healthy attitude when your team | | | | vigorous harrumphing from you and your friends, and |
| is in the doldrums, you really have to keep things in | | | | requires more libations. |
| perspective (alcohol can sometimes help this). | | | | Second quarter highlight: Marty Booker catches a pass |
| Impermanence is the name of the game in any sport. | | | | from Joey Harrington, only to trip over himself and |
| Every team eventually climbs out of their losing slump | | | | fumble. The opposition recovers for a touch down. |
| (or alternatively, folds) - just look at the Red Socks. | | | | This is met by stares of disbelief, followed by vigorous |
| Football is one of the most tumultuous sports; teams | | | | harrumphing and more libations. |
| routinely go from the Super Bowl to the gutter, and no | | | | The rest of the game: At this point only a blur, the third |
| one really knows what's going to happen until the | | | | and forth quarters meld into one as Joey Harrington |
| season is underway. | | | | spontaneously devolves into an ape-like creature. |
| This lofty talk might sound good in a vacuum, but what | | | | Against all odds, the ape-man Harrington completes |
| is a Dolphins' fan to do today? The triumphs of | | | | numerous touchdown passes, until he is sacked and |
| yesteryear and the promise of next year do little to | | | | retaliates by beating the opposing player senseless. He |
| allay the pains of watching your team stagger around | | | | is sedated, forcing Miami to use one of their second |
| the field like lobotomized men-children. The best course | | | | string quarterbacks. This requires more harrumphing, |
| of action, in my experience, is to proudly remain a fan | | | | and of course, libations. |
| while at the same time keeping a sense of humor | | | | The ride home: You and your friends climb back into |
| about your team's lousy performance. Laugh off any | | | | your limousine for the long ride home. This stage is also |
| jabs friends, coworkers, and strangers on the street | | | | accompanied by wild prophecies for the future, as well |
| make at your expense, but keep them all in mind for | | | | as hope that super-ape Harrington returns to lead the |
| when your team rises to the top again - because it's | | | | team to glory. All in all, a successful outing. |
| then that you can make them all pay, rubbing their | | | | So you see, it's easy to have a great time watching |
| noses in it mercilessly. In the mean time, enjoy the | | | | your team, even if they're having a lousy season. |
| games for the spectacle and the chance to yell and | | | | Keep the faith, wear your hat or other team gear with |
| taunt with reckless abandon. Here is a hypothetical | | | | pride, and be secure in the knowledge that you are no |
| rundown of a sample game, and how to enjoy it: | | | | fair-weather fan. |
| One hour before game time: Have a limousine | | | | |